Figure Of Speech

For us comic book geeks, one of the biggest moments in our creative careers is supposed to be our "Toys R Us" moment; It's the day when we walk into a store (the bigger the better) and we see one of OUR characters forever immortalized in plastic. Having that action figure in hand and walking to the nearest checkout and actually BUYING our own toy... that's bigger to alot of people than actually having your book hit Previews. Bigger, even, than seeing your book in the hands of a fan at a convention... for some, it's THE moment.

That moment may come sooner rather than later for me- I will know more in the coming days- but thinking about this phenomena has made me re-examine it.

Take, for example, the Jesus action figure. That's right- you can actually buy a plastic version of Jesus that's scale with your Star Wars guys and your Justice League figures. Go here if you don't think so... And it's not just sites who think this is a big joke who sell them- alot of "Christian" stores have them too. And on the packaging of some versions of the figure it ACTUALLY says, "...this is NOT a toy..." Really? But his feet have wheels on them! Jesus is wearing wheelie sandals, and he's made of plastic, but you aren't supposed to play with him? But... "there is a disclaimer... it's right there!" So I guess these guys will be off the hook when Jesus comes back for real and asks for his royalty check, right?

And like- kids everywhere who read that will suddenly do... what? You and I both know that "Jesus Vs. The Hulk" and "Jesus Vs. Darth Maul" and even "Jesus Vs. Nakidd Barbie" are not only possible, they are almost mandatory games for any kid who has a Jesus action figure at home...

And WHY do we have a Jesus action figure? Did the Gospel writers think, like I do about my own works, that having that action toy would just be the best thing ever? And will there be accessories? Will I live long enough to see Underwater Jesus, or Deep Space Jesus or Jesus' Dream House? Does Satan also get his own scale figure? And does that Devil figure come with "temptation action?" Will there be short packed figures in the "Gospel" figure line? How hard will it be to find a Judas Iscariot with Cheek Kissing Acton? Or a Pontus Pilot and his Bathtub Biplane? How about the John the Baptist figure- will he come with a removable head that eats locusts? And will that head have action variants? And why not?

The site that sells the plastic action Jesus also sells a "Crazy Cat Lady" action figure... maybe she's his "wacky neighbor" in the "Extreme Jesus Cartoon Hour" or something.

Well, maybe it shouldn't bother me. At least now kids can re-create scenes from that great Biblical epic, "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter."